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well holy shit i would have never thought i would be on this thing.. but amanda said she was on and i remembered how good it felt to write out my thoughts, feelings, goals, and even dreams; and figured what the hell.. if i can get out of my car on the highway and hump the , concrete median why can't i do this again.
well alot of stuff has happened since the last time i have indulged my need to write on this journal, and for the people that know, you know, and if you don't well here's a brief synopsis
1. got engaged
2. found the love of my life
3. felt butterflies for the first time
4. got out of engagement
5. quit the bell
6. worked for the happiest people on earth (or so i thought it was)
7. went back to the bell with my tail between my legs
8. trying to find any kind of job to get back out of the bell
alright there you go ladies and gentlemen. if there is any question you have of my 1-8 , time-line feel free to ask, and by the way that is in order.lol, so here we go to nitty gritty, whats been on my mind, and in my heart for the last few months.
people that have seen me as of late could come up with the opinion that my life evolves around amanda and work. and when those people tell me that i would say "yes on the outside it would appear that way but on the inside... its a whole other bag of stories for the , shrink" you see yes i love amanda and i want to be everything and more for here, i want to be there when she makes it big (because i have faith she will) and i want to be the one who catches her when she falls (because every dog has it day) and yes i am overwhelmed with work, and the bull shit i go through, from the hypocritical bitch ass employees, to the good for nothing piece of scum low life management (except for Ivy) that in my opinon will become nothing more in their lives then what they are now (and at the same time i pray they do). but on the inside there is whole other ball park that does not even bring these two time consumming (for lack of a better word) things. what is in my mind is FEAR, pure horrifying fear.
"Fear of what my good friend Mike"
well fear of this, I'm a 21 year old man working is ass off trying to make some money to move out, but at the same time feeling the inner struggle. (and not about moving out) "Is this all i really am, a punk as manager in a fast food joint.. the punch line to some great commedians jokes! there has to be more then this.. but what..BUT WHAT!" well a wise person once said."Mike in life you will always face adversity, but just remeber what brought you to the quote n quote table... you have a gift just like everyone else, you have to find it and use it to be what you really are suppose to be." great words huh? i thought so, you would figure they have to come from a parent a loved on.. NO they don't they come from to be honest on of my heros.. my 10th grade teacher Mr. Pincus.. and in that same year yes i faced adversity of the worst kind, i lost a loved on..no no i lost the only lady in my life at the time.. and when i came back to school things were just not worth it.. i was on the edge holding the preverbial blade and begging just to see her again, and thats when Ira showed me passion, my gift that God gave me... my ticket to the table!! my ability to write.. for once i was in school and felt good about going to class! but i digress from my point.
some people can find the square root of pretty much anything with the blink of an eye, some people can literaly have every eye on that person when they walk in the room without even trying. Me, i can sit at table, computer, hell even a typewritter, and just let the words flow. especially about my other true passion, Sports.
i have written pages in highschool on superbowls, to the point the teacher told me to "cut it down" and even to this day i can type/talk about why the dolphins were out of the playoffs for yet another year (Thanks Saban!)i can write about how historic it was for the first african american head coach to win a super bowl was more then a "black coach", he was a coach that did it the "christian way", and i can talk about how the term "15 strong" was hold a household term last nba season. but the thing is, yes i can do it, but I LOVE TO DO IT! it gives me so much joy to talk and write about i try to talk about it with amanda..( hahahahaha you should see her face. i love her she honestly trys to get it, what a woman) my dad, my friends, hell even my customers from the bell!
but alas i'm stuck in the eneviroment where medioracracy is king.. where just getting your job done and looking out for yourself is law of the land. And i sit here in my kitchen on my mothers lab top thinking why? i mean i am no fool this career path is no walk in the park, you have a better chance of falling right on your face then becomeing the next chris berman, or a mike greenberg (other men i look up too). But is falling on your face as bad as living a life knowing you have the itch, and the talent to scratch that itch, and being to fucking ignorant or scared to scratch, to see how it feels, to bask in that oh so holly 15 seconds of fame? well i know that its a opinionated question, but its a very valid question
Let me tell you that i am a person who believes in dreams. Martin Luther King Jr. did, and so did another great man Walt Disney, and like these men i know what it feels like to have your dream come true, to taste greatness, to feel victorious. and that is were the real test lies. for most that just have felt it you stop and settle and bask.. apparently these people dont know shit about sports, except that cbs and fox have football, and nascar consists of people driving really fast around a big track. but for me and the few that have made it there in another profession or just personal goal in life, you just can sit back, IT KILLS YOU!! inside, you burn and yurn for more and more because a true champion won't settle unless they are the best. they work sweat practice and let there dream pretty much consume there life.
Thats where the second dilema appears.. and thats for another day
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cheer_mikey79's journal
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